BATTLE WITH DEPRESSION

THE CONFESSION OF A WEARY SOUL

(Someone living and struggling with Depression)

Words are not enough to describe, to undressed, to unmask of what I am going through.  Words are at loss to describe the excruciating pains, the agony of the torture.  If you ask me on how to describe my journey with depression, I would say: “a demon is creating havoc in the depth of my soul, plunging me into the ravine of despair, into the great abyss of darkness, into the vast ocean of nothingness.”  I suffer in silence...

It’s an ugly battle, it’s rotten inside.  It is a very, very difficult and tiring battle.  And the complexity of it is to hide it, to pretend that everything goes well, that everything is ok, forcing myself to do the things that I should be doing. 

A blessed normal soul can’t understand the depth of the pains and struggles, and they would say: “why are you depressed?, what’s wrong with you?... Look at the bright side of life, there are so much blessings to be thankful, you are an asset, you are gifted, others have worst situation than yours, and many people love you.”  I really do appreciate what they are saying. I hope depression is just an easy thing, that if you can see and able to count the blessings, depression will go away like a magic… But it is not like that, this shit feeling remains no matter what positive thoughts I put in my mind. And the guilt feeling of “I should not be feeling like this” is a torture which added to the depth of pains and despair!

Many people said that “inner joy is an inside job”, I don’t agree that it is applicable for everybody… If it is the case, I must be happy right now.  I am doing a lot, an inside job, to help myself to be happy. I read a lot about self-help, to understand and accept myself. I am doing a lot to love myself. I am trying to apply whatever I have learned from the processes I have gone through… I don’t say that they are not effective; they are, SOMETIMES, at least in my case. I cried thousand times, only God knows how many buckets of tears I shed. It’s a terrible battle not only of the soul and mind but also physical… It’s draining my energy… I am so tired, very very tired that even waking up in the morning and start my day is a battle… 

They say, it’s a matter of WILLPOWER… I force myself every morning, I force my mind telling myself, “Hey, get up, please get up!.. Willpower is not enough to go throughout the day. Many times, I am like a zombie, a dead, rotten human being! Many times, upon waking up, I open the light in my room to force myself to get up and face the day… yes, my mind is awake but my body doesn’t want anything but to continue to sleep… and to sleep forever in the bosom of the mother earth.I am helping myself, I really do… I go out my way to meet and talk to people. 

As an adult, I am expected to be responsible and productive. It is a time of paying back to all people who love and care for me especially my parents.  It’s added to my guilt feeling, that “I should be different; I should be more responsible and reliable.” I usually wonder on why others are so strong in facing all the stresses in life. Me, even small inconveniences crushed me to the ground, making my physical strength to give up. 

Many times, the desire to end my life is so strong. I heard telling myself “you almost succeed once, do it again, you might succeed this time.” ... It’s very tempting because the only thing I care in the lowly moment is to end my suffering. I tried to commit suicide once, I took a bottle of medicine tablets into the comfort room, and when I was ready to shallow it, I feel the very cold feeling enters into my body, sending chills into my bones that I lost strength, I was shaking terribly and I found myself just crying and crying… After my mind becomes clear, I promise to myself that no matter what difficult I am going through I will not do it again… but of course, I know it is just a promise… who knows what will happen in the future.

I have difficulty to end my life because of my faith. I believe that I might go to hell if I will take my life, but you know, I am living in hell on this earth, and I am afraid that the time will come even this religious belief cannot save me anymore.  In times of strong desire to end my life, even the thought of the love and care of people I love (family, friends, special someone) don’t make any sense. And worst, thinking of them make me believe that they are better without me.

I am telling you, it’s rotten inside, it’s ugly, it’s tiring!!!... And so, just in case the demon inside of me won the battle because I surrender and end my fight, please don’t blame me or pity me… I am just doing what is the best option for me at the moment to end my pains… Please, don’t judge me because you do not know how long and how hard I fought back. My only desire is to give myself a rest she longs so much… What I am asking of you is understanding and compassion. Don’t even ask me why I am in this battle, what’s wrong with me? Because that too is my question… It is just that I am not a blessed soul or an individual who enjoys life amidst its difficulties and challenges… 

Everyday, I am fighting with the demon inside, and it is a curse. If I become a burden, I’m sorry for that… no one like to become a burden… The hardest thing in my fight is that I know what is good and what is bad, what is should and should not… but I don’t have even the energy to peek on that thought… Yes, my mind tried to command but my body and soul doesn’t want to respond… she is tired and longing, desiring, praying when this ugly battle will end. Your understanding and compassion to a weary soul like me is very much appreciated although it can’t cure… 

As I have said, words are not enough to describe my battle, to understand what a weary soul is undergoing especially for those “blessed normal souls”…When am I going to surrender?... I don’t know… If it happens, don’t blame or judge me… just try to understand me, that’s matters!

Weary Soul